Dealing With Past Hurts & Unforgiveness

Being deeply hurt or mistreated by a friend or an enemy, past emotional, mental or physical abuse, can cause so many inner problems. I have had my share of such experiences. Bitterness, anger and unforgiveness are typical responses to such injustices suffered, but as these reactions hinder our walk with Christ, the Bible gives us ample instructions on how to overcome them.



Keep No Record of Wrongs
Remember ye not the former things, neither consider the things of old.  Behold, I will do a new thing; now it shall spring forth; shall ye not know it? I will even make a way in the wilderness, and rivers in the desert. (Isaiah 43:18-19)

This passage provides a vivid description of a life damaged by past hurts – a life that has become a wasteland, a desert. Dwelling upon a record of wrongs weighs us down and heavily burdens us. But the Lord’s instructions to forget those former things and not dwell on them, comes with a beautiful promise. Letting them go releases streams of living water into our life and enables God to do a new work in us.

One of the greatest new works Christ does in our lives is to bring us to a place where we can forgive those who have hurt us. This is such an important aspect of our daily Christian walk that Jesus included it as part of the Lord’s prayer. And forgive us our sins; for we also forgive every one that is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. (Luke 11:4)

Instead of dwelling on past hurts, we can let go of those memories and forgive the person that hurt us. Although we cannot make ourselves forget the memories, if we stop clinging to them the painful associations will fade significantly.
Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,  Doth not behave itself unseemly, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil; (I Cor 13:4-5)

I would like to share something practical that helped me to forget such things. I had been hurt so deeply by someone very dear to me that for a long time I was unable to let go of the pain and associated anger. Then one day I wrote onto a piece of paper a list of the things that they had done to hurt me. Then I folded the paper in two (restricting my access to it) and put it in a box that I couldn’t easily get to, under my bed. Once I had that written memoir of those wrongs, I no longer felt a need to keep a mental record of them. I let that folded page carry those memories instead of my mind. After a while the anger faded away and I was able to forgive that person, and as time passed those memories became void, along with the pain that was associated with them.


“But it is Part of Who I am…”

One reason I had trouble letting go of past hurts was because they had become part of my identity. “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me,” was an excuse I believed. I feared that if I let go of the anger and record of wrongs and forgave the person who had hurt me, I would lose a part of myself, part of my very individuality.

However, Jesus taught me that such fears were unfounded, that I did not have to hold onto past hurts in order to maintain my identity. He showed me that there was another option - to allow His love and forgiveness to flow from me towards the person who hurt me. And when I did this, instead of anger and the record of past wrongs being part of who I was, Christ’s love and forgiveness became part of my identity.

If someone were to meet me and hear my testimony now, they would not hear me say, “I am this way because of how that person mistreated me.” Instead, they would see that I have forgiven the person who wounded me, and in fact love them so dearly, still. If they were to ask me how this could be, I would answer, “I am this way because of Christ’s work of love and forgiveness in my life.”

When we let Christ's love and forgiveness become part of who we are, we change and become more like Christ. And is that not our goal, to become more like Him?   Galatians 2:20 says “I am crucified with Christ: nevertheless I live; yet not I, but Christ liveth in me: and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave himself for me.”

As we learn to surrender our lives to Christ, He can give us such a powerful revelation of His love for us that we can view others through His loving gaze rather than through our own eyes. I have experienced this very powerfully in my life.

If we could learn to all be like Steven was when he was wrongly being stoned to death.  His unforgiving spirit overshadows how horrific his death was.

What a wonderful testimony this is to the power of God’s love. When others see us forgive - even love - those who have hurt us, they see the power of God’s kingdom in action, and their lives are changed too.


Harboring Unforgiveness Hurts Ourselves

If we have been deeply hurt by someone in the past, we earnestly desire to flee that pain and be set free from the wounds. A thought that I would like us to bear in mind is that by consciously or unconsciously harboring anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness towards that person, we unwittingly participate in keeping those wounds fresh and unable to heal. That is one reason that Jesus spoke so often of the importance of forgiving those who have wronged us. By not forgiving them, we hurt ourselves even further.


To Forgive Others, Reflect On How Much God Has Forgiven Us

The most liberating Biblical truth that helps us to forgive those who have treated us unjustly is to recognize the depths to which God has forgiven us.

Why does the Bible say, ^“For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you” in  Matthew 6:14? It is because for us to refuse to forgive others after God has forgiven our massive debts towards Him, shows a lack of appreciation of how much God has forgiven us.

We all know of the parable in Matthew 18:21-35, where a servant who owed millions of dollars to a king, had that debt cancelled when he asked for mercy. The servant then went on to throw a fellow servant that owed him a few dollars into prison, because he had not paused to reflect on the mercy the king had extended towards him.

This is the key to forgiving others. Although it is a perfectly understandable reaction to say about someone who hurt us very deeply, "I can't ever forgive them for what they did to me!" However, as we reflect on just how much God has forgiven us, which is heaps, then it becomes easier for us to forgive others, regardless of what they did to us.

So, regardless of how much we have been hurt by others, let us forgive them. If God forgives us of our numerous sins towards Him, we can forgive others of their (comparatively) lesser sins towards us.

And then we will be sons and daughters of God, revealing His nature to a hurting world, as it shows us in Luke 6:35-36 “But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil.  Be ye therefore merciful, as your Father also is merciful.”

I've Missed Out

  Being the preacher’s wife, I’m sure you have heard about “how much you miss out on.”  I have heard one too many times about what all I miss in life because of my “religion.”  Sadly, it has often times come from family.  They have told me that I live way too strict and that I don’t enjoy the finer things of life.  They say that I miss out on a lot of good times because I won’t join them for a birthday party or bachelorette party, because I know what the choice beverage will be. 

  Well, I will have to say that I agree with them.  I have missed out.

  I’ve missed out on a life filled with sin.  I’ve missed out on chasing my husband around begging him to come home or lying in bed wondering where he was or who he was with.  I have missed out on worrying about who the father of my child may be.  I have missed out on the extreme headaches and nausea that follows the night of flooding my body with alcohol.  I have missed out on the broken home that is a result of loose living.  I have missed out on my children being ripped away from my home because of a drug addiction that I can’t control.   Wow, they are right, I’ve really missed out.  

  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not belittling those who have suffered some of these side effects of these sins.  I am completely aware that it is only the grace of God that has kept me sheltered from these things.  I am also aware that everything could completely change tomorrow.  But for now I will praise God for the precious years behind me that have been sheltered by His grace.

  The world we live in continues to promote sin as though it is liberating and glorious. We are bombarded with magazines, television shows, movies, and songs that attempt to promote sin as the source of real happiness. The true products of sin are pain, further separation from the things that bring us true joy, and ultimately death. The world’s biggest excuse for not coming to church is “I do what I want to do,” or “I’m my own person,” because they don’t want to be a slave to the church or to Christ. The Bible tells us differently.  We all have a master and it is either Christ or Satan.  So, the world is full of slaves to sin. People are enslaved to sexual immorality, alcohol, drugs, the internet, etc., to such an extent that they sometimes cannot go more than a few hours without being overwhelmed by self-destructive urges. 

  In his letter to the Romans, Paul described the power sin has to enslave us. What the unbeliever must realize is that accepting Christ does not lead to a life of “do nots.” Simply put, sin life is negative, while life under the power of Christ is positive. God wants to free us and heal us from the control that our earthly bodies have over us. Paul says, “Knowing this, that our old man is crucified with him, that the body of sin might be destroyed, that henceforth we should not serve sin.” (Romans 6.6)  By accepting the grace of Jesus, we begin the attack on our old sin lives. Through Jesus alone we break our earthly bondage to sin and the power it has over our actions. Without the influence of our flesh we can be led by the Holy Spirit and for the first time, see a clear picture of what we should and should not do to have abundant life (John 10:10).

  The Christ follower is not missing out on the things of the world, but is instead freed to pursue the joy and fulfillment we were designed to enjoy. The joy of a successful marriage far outweighs spending nights in smoky bars, talking over bad music. Through the truth of Jesus, we see that a life without alcohol far outweighs having countless hours and financial resources consumed in alcohol abuse. The most sinister aspect of sin is its ability to convince us that we are happy, while it clutches us and drags us down. As Christ followers, we must be aware that the non-believer may not know they are enslaved or even want to be freed (John 8:34). Still, we must bring them to Jesus, so the Holy Spirit can open their eyes to the destructive power of sin and they can know the joy of His eternal love.

  Be thankful for the things that you have missed and pray for someone who has been less fortunate. 

The "Little Member" With Big Problems

Ladies, it's time for James chapter 3!

As you well know, this is the Bible's classic sermon on the "tongue!"  After seeing, lately,  the hurt that one small tongue can cause so many people, I thought it would be helpful to remind us all of what the Bible says about our wicked ole tongues.

Our chapter only has 18 verses ... but they are "power packed!"
I have noticed that James describes our tongues by using  9 different "word pictures!"

Let me show you what I mean.

§         The tongue is like a "bit" in a big strong horse's mouth!  That little "bit" can guide and direct that big old horse any direction the rider decides!  So can the tongue give direction to our lives.  It can literally steer a day toward praise ... or grumbling!  It is the "bit" that points our "moods" (our very "attitudes") in whatever direction we go!

                                           

§         Secondly the tongue is like a "rudder" on a large ocean-going vessel!  Here the idea is not "direction" as much as overcoming opposing winds and following a determined course!  One's tongue can become so influential in life that it guides you ... even when other things would get you detracted!  Profanity can become such a habit ... that even on good days the filth still flows!  (Gossip or slander, other "sins" of the tongue, can also take over and successfully oppose God's good breezes of blessing!)

§         Thirdly the tongue is called a little "member" of one's body!  One's "leg" can give him or her trouble!  So can one's gall bladder or heart.  They are all members of the body too.  BUT perhaps the tongue leads the pack!  We often hear of "eye" trouble ... but seldom of "tongue" trouble!  It's common for folks to get their "hearing" checked ... but "tongue" checks are rare indeed!

§         Fourthly the tongue is like a fire!  Fires burn!  Fires spread!  Fires have some source!  The tongue burns fiercely ... and spreads its destruction rapidly ... and has a source too, Hell itself!

§         Fifthly, the tongue is a "world" of iniquity!  Let me explain.  There is a "world" of sin!  (San Francisco!  Las Vegas!  New York!  Atlanta!)  There is a world of science! (Georgia Tech, NASA, MIT, The Creation Research Society)  There is a world of Christianity!  (The Bible, Church, the Holy Spirit)  And the tongue also has a world of its very own!  (Jealousy, Slander, Gossip, Lying, Exaggeration) 

§         Sixthly, it is a pollutant!  It "defileth" the whole body!  It spots and stains everything it touches with its filth!  The picture is that of a "slop" jar (a portable clay pot that has served as one's commode during the night) that is spilled on someone's freshly cleaned white robe (toga)!  A sinful wicked tongue spreads pollution everywhere!

§         Seventhly, the tongue is an untamed beast!  (Birds can be tamed!  So can snakes, sea creatures, lions and tigers too!)  But no man can tame the tongue!  Watch it carefully!  It can attack when you least expect!  Keep it caged!  Don't trust it!  And please don't turn your back on it!

§         Eighthly, the tongue is a poison!  ("A deadly poison" says James!)  Many have died through history due to wagging tongues!  Paul uses the same word as "poison" here for the venom of a cobra snake in Romans 3!

§         Lastly the tongue is an inconsistent performer!  It can do strange things.  In the same conversation ... it can bless and curse!  (Do wells send forth both sweet water and bitter?  No!  Do fig trees bear olives?  No!  Then tongues should not bless God on Sundays and curse God on Fridays!)  Is your tongue that unpredictable? 

BUT even after all that bad news ... James does not leave us hopeless!  He gives us the answer to the "tongue" issue!
Who CAN tame the tongue?

God the Holy Spirit can!

He is often in Scripture either called Wisdom or compared to Wisdom!

James uses the Wisdom motif here. 

Watch.

Verse 13:  "Who is a wise man?"
Verse 15:  "Earthly wisdom is devilish and filled with confusion, envy and strife! (That's exactly the tongue he has been describing!)
Verse 17:  "BUT the Wisdom that is from above is ... first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and easy to be intreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality, and without hypocrisy."  He is describing the Holy Spirit ladies!

He is the Solution to the tongue problem!

How about that!  Once again, the Holy Spirit comes in for the win!

The solution to the tongue (pictured by all sorts of wild beasts) is the precious Holy Spirit (pictured by a little white pure dove)!

And the Dove tames the beasts!  Glory to God!